Beholding the white bright shiny cotton ball like tiny creature carried in the arms of my mother, I amazingly said, “Look at the colour of her skin Ma, why did god make her so white!!!” “A sister has come for me”, as they said. Undoubtedly, the glowing meatball baby sister brought a light in my life forever but, things changed for me in other ways. In a way I lost all the attention just in few seconds. Spending my childhood in a joint family, even my paternal Nimi aunt’s kids also came into this world with a fair skin. Dadi oblivion to the happy moments shared by all and like any other conservative granny would, seemed displeasured for not giving birth to a boy.

Not by my parents in my family but the rest mocked on my dark complexion and on my chubby body. I could make fewer friends at school. A tiny eight year old mind tried hard to recognise whether they liked the way I was or was I a piece meant to be ridiculed. Every act of mine was judged out to be preposterous, joked on my attire borrowed from elder cousins and ignored my presence and my conversations.  My dedication on studies was also not left to sarcasms and they tagged me to be a bloody bookworm. My small mischiefs also ended soon when whipped with consequent thrashes blown on me in front of several relatives. I turned out to be a complete reserved and a silent person. Gradually, I caved in in every possible manner.

“The only student who scored full marks in the poem competition is Pia Rai” announced the teacher.  The class was silenced and each wondered who this student can be. “May I know whose name is Pia in this class?” asked the teacher curiously. I raised my hand and was called near the blackboard. “May I ask each one of you to appreciate her efforts that she didn’t skip to do preparations for yesterday’s test” asked the teacher.

Later I was appreciated by my friends and classmates. They tagged me as an extraordinary student of the class. That overwhelmed me as I couldn’t forget the value of the word “extraordinary”. Contrarily, I did surpass from an unhappy childhood rather. Broken friendships, grumpy teachers, favouritisms, ignorance due to my short, dark and stout appearance and lack of attention from family jaded my life leaving no enthusiasm to live with joy. Except for a few accolades at school during the farewell ceremony like “The best cooperative student of the year” and securing cent percent in mathematics I missed the spark of cherishing each moment of my school life as well. I found something was missing that I could have enjoyed and cherished forever.

At 21 when I barely started my graduation from a renowned college in a metro city, I lost my less than middle aged father due to a chronic heart attack. Dreams shattered and the world came to an end. The family was left with a bereft mother and three children, me being the elder most followed by a sister and youngest brother. One fine day when I came back from college, I saw my mother crying. Lying remorse on a sofa and dazed she bursted into tears. For the first time I saw my mother breaking apart and her eyes filled with terror and fear.

“Pia, I am afraid about the way things are happening with me nowadays.  Today when I went to shop for fetching grocery, I felt that that I will get hit by a vehicle. I go shivers imagining the drivers running into me and as if I may be smashed up” she said painfully. “The fear disturbs in the night and I remain awake for hours and hours” described my sad mother.

I instantly couldn’t figure out what went wrong with her until when she was diagnosed with severe depression that had ensued such trepidations. My siblings were clueless. Ironically, everyone looked upon me as the strongest of all and I was expected to restore the things back in shape. I dropped college for nearly two months and was with my mother. For nearly two years she fought with depression and got recovered through less of medication but more of meditation.

I began my career soon after graduation at an early stage with a purpose to stand by my family’s side. My youth was devoted to the growth and development of my siblings and family well-being. With the passing times, both my siblings Shimoli and Mohan finished their graduations and got settled down happily with their dream jobs and a bright career.

 

Being highly gratified for gifting such a courageous and daunting spirit, I moved on in my life and accepted it wholeheartedly in the manner it came. I tried hands on various job profiles beginning with teaching soon after my graduation, moving onto sales that enhanced into delivering business trainings. My world was surrounded with professional people who strived to survive into the cutthroat competitions for gaining lucrative promotions and incentives. Life wasn’t easy but the will to fight through the daily challenges added fun to it. I travelled to different parts of the state and delivered trainings to several people on several topics of business and skill- sets. In the journey of my life I met several individuals who influenced my life in very many ways.

With the testing times, what I could not surpass was the inner turmoil even after seeing the good times like positive work environment, ambitious bosses, dream jobs and successful career. I also went onto see the worst of my times containing relationship breakups, health issues, staying away from family to earn good income and the huge discord in my marriage. In my times of solace I retrospect into those years and find myself still incomplete and unsatisfied. I diligently played the role of a responsible daughter, a loving sister, a performing employee and an idle wife. I channelized my energies to prioritise my goals in tune with the given circumstances. And that led to elude me from my inner calling. The depth of contemplation that dwelled in the sub-conscious mind was deep-rooted and penetrated into my life tremendously. I brooded for doing nothing about my dreams to make something phenomenal out of my life by way of creating a positive impact into the society and the country.

I resorted to books on self-improvement quite often and started learning the ways of living a happy life. Eventually books became my best friends. I gave up on the regret of not having a best friend on the day when I got fascinated and was left agape with the range of spiritual and self-improvement books sprawling in few corners of a city library. The insights given by some well-known writers instilled enormous confidence and positivity in my being. The book reading therapy lifted my spirits to transcend the toughest of the ordeals that had come to date. Since then books became a part of me.

The quest for finding my destination had begun from the day I picked up the habit of reading regularly. I rather invested more on buying books than on clothes. My decisions for the toughest of the problems became more discernible, wiser and unperturbed on the face-off my adversaries. Eventually, my perspective towards life changed. My life was focused to being positive which led me into a placid zone.

It occurred to me one fine day.  My passion for reading books and writing notes stimulated my thoughts to become a writer. My childhood days were spent on observing the life around. I found myself to be playful but serious towards life at the same time. I loved meeting new people and enjoyed the sheer beauty of this existence. I found the essence of life in smallest of joys and situations rather than aspiring for a luxurious and comfortable lifestyle. Injustice always disturbed me and triggered me to do something for humanity.

On that blissful day I saw my overbrimming desire, to work for my dreams and goals and eventually it surmounted the role I was playing in my daily life. I lifted the call from within. The first such lines of those magical spells that were generated from my inner spirit shall describe the worth I feel for my existence:

A FACE IN THE MIRROR

I take a chance to watch my face in the mirror;

Freckled skin, dark sports – here and there;

But the victims of vanity took them all wrong;

Judged me to be pitiful, weak and came to sympathise.

I wore my heart on my sleeves;

But never knew it hurts back to confide in.

They called me a misfit and made me feel worthless

And got me to doubt on my own self.

 

I thought to change the way I look at first;

Found that change is needed not outside but within.

This universe boomerangs what you throw to it;

And I am ready to hail the storms and breeze both.

The clutter of cloudy thoughts disappear

A shining bright light pierces from the darkest of them.

I can see what is within me – a soulful sight.

Clear are now my thoughts, clear is my vision

Deeper are my insights, stronger is my conviction.

 

I still carry those spots and scars – freckled on my face

What differs is I take ultimate pride of it;

A price paid for the sake of my loved ones.

I now love the way I am – a misfit and vulnerable yet bold and compassionate,

A placid and a tranquil psyche – set to serve mankind.

 

I still wear my heart on my sleeves,

But take care it doesn’t fall from the grace.

No more self-pity, no more a victim.

Made peace with my past as it was a lesson to be learnt;

Burnt those pages which weren’t meant to live again.

Bring in the light on your face and that spark in your eyes;

For you have now got a meaning to live and to stay arise.

(Extracted from my own blog payalsurani19@blogspot.com)

 

The journey of a writer begins.